Star Wars Episode 1 Commentary
by MarkeytseiaANDMoureeneeaaa
Summary: Invading the world of Star Wars. How the clinically insane authors interpret Ep. 1!


Disclaimer: I don't know how many times we have to reiterate that WE DON'T OWN SHIT! I would also like to mention that my first love, Squeegeeman, is dead ::weeps madly:: Oh yeah, Penis McLesbian rocks!!! (If you don't know, don't ask.)  
  
Note: This was written at about 5am after a night of Ewan McGregor and NO SLEEP. Proceed with caution. Oh yeah, Dena didn't help us with this one! ::gasps all around::   
  
  
  
Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace   
Running Commentary  
  
  
Cue Star Wars OFFICIAL MUSIC!! (TM)   
Scroll: ...fuck all  
  
Nute Gunray: This is a completely legal thing you know.. All LEGAL! ::holds up a sign that reads "This is Legal! Nothing Bad here!" and cute kittens in the background::  
  
I am TC-14, making C-3PO look totally unoriginal  
  
  
Qui-Gon lectures   
Obi-Wan: STOP LECTURING ME OLD MAN!  
  
Bad guys have meaningless dialogue  
  
Obi-Wan: I'm going to drink this cup of God knows what, because I totally trust the trade federation!   
  
Nute Gunray: Is this legal?  
Darth Sidious: Uhh ... yeah!  
Cue the Legal dancers!!  
Dancers: It's legal!!  
  
Qui-Gon: Gas! Hold your breath!!  
Obi-Wan: I bet you 20 credits that you breathe first!  
Qui-Gon: I will not!  
Obi-Wan: Will too!  
Qui-Gon: Will not!  
Obi-Wan: Eek! We're late for our pointless fight scene!  
  
Audience: ::stares in awe at the incredible affects, lightsaber battles..and...Ewan::   
  
Qui-Gon: ::melts the doors::  
Everyone else: SHIT!  
  
Obi-Wan: You were right about one thing master.. the negotiations were short!  
Qui-Gon: ::smacks him:: Shut up!! Stop with your attempts at comic relief!!  
  
Nute: Haha.. we're taking over because of pointless trade problems!  
Amidala: If I wasn't wearing a 50lb head dress, I'd kick your ass!  
  
Amidala: ::standing by her window:: ...fuck  
  
  
Run Qui-Gon run!!  
  
He runs into Jar Jar  
  
Jar Jar: Ooh! Meesa want to have sex with you!  
Qui-Gon: Umm.. no, I have a cute padawan already.  
  
Obi-Wan: ::runs away from droids:: FOR THE FORCE'S SAKE KILL THEM ALL!!   
  
Jar Jar: I will now show you our secret city! I'll show the fuckin' world.. well, no.. I was an exhibitionist...  
  
Obi-Wan: if they find us, they will crush us, grind us into tiny bits, and rape us up the ass! Oops.. I mean... blast us into oblivion!  
  
  
Jar Jar: They won't like you..  
Obi-wan: Well.. it hasn't been our day for warm welcomes!  
Qui-Gon: ::smacks him:: I SAID STOP IT!   
  
They stick in breathing thingys and swim 3 FEET TO JELLO CITY!!   
  
Gungans: Fuck.. he's back!   
  
Obi-Wan: We must explain the problems to you as though you were a six year old!  
  
Nass: I don't like any of you guys.. so to get rid of you, I'll give you a bongo!   
Obi-Wan: What the fuck are we going to do with this?  
Qui-Gon: It'll help with our poetry sessions!  
  
Qui-Gon: How much for Jar Jar?  
Obi-Wan: SHIT! I DON'T WANT HIM!  
Qui-Gon: I'll give you twenty credits!  
Nass: Deal!   
Obi-Wan: NOO!! ::temper tantrum:: REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE KITTY?  
  
Obi-Wan: Why were you banished?  
Jar Jar: I couldn't resist showing my willy in public!   
  
BIG FISH attacks the boat  
Obi-Wan: DAMMIT!! I'M TRYING TO FUCKING DRIVE! I NEED A FUCKING HIT!! FUCKING CUNT!! FUCK! BITCH! ::pounds the stearing wheel::  
  
Qui-Gon: There's always a bigger fish..  
Obi-Wan: DAMMIT!! STOP IT WITH YOUR VAIN ATTEMPTS AT WIT!  
  
The bongo shuts down.  
  
All: Shit!  
Jar Jar: The force is a piece of shit!  
  
Panaka-cam*: We're all going to die!  
  
*Note: Panaka-cam is when the screen suddenly focuses on Captain Panaka standing in a white room. Being the Prophet of Doom that he is, Panaka will usually say something about how screwed everyone is. If you understand that, you must be an addict like Moureeneeaaa.  
  
  
Lots of stuff heading to Theed.  
  
Amidala: Fuck.  
  
They surface, causing the death of several swans.  
  
Nute: You will sign the treaty..  
Amidala: If i did not have a bird on my head, I would kick your ass right now!   
  
Lots of people are being marched in different directions, but to where? Ah, but to where?   
  
  
Amidala has an assful of handmaidens!  
  
Close up of Obi  
Female Audience: ::drool::  
  
Panaka-cam: WE'RE ALL SCREWED!   
  
Obi: ::goes to free the pilots, painting his face blue and grabbing a kilt::  
Obi: ::frees the pilots:: FOR FREEDOM!   
  
Obi: ::locks Jar Jar in the cargo bay::  
  
Authors: ::kills Ric Olie and has Obi pilot instead::   
  
Panaka-cam: CRAP!   
  
Panaka: You can't take Her Highness there!   
Qui-Gon: What you gonna do??  
Panaka: Ima beat your ass, old man!  
::bitchfight::  
  
Annoying dialogue between evil creatures  
Darth Maul: ::appears:: I am Satan!  
  
Kachie (Author #1): SWEET!  
  
Amidala: What is that droid's number?  
Panaka: R2D2.. IT'LL KILL US ALL!   
Amidala: Hey queenie! Come and clean this droid 'cause I can boss you around like a little bitch!  
  
Qui-Gon and Panaka get in a hissy fight  
  
Padme: ::cleans the droid, muttering curses under her breath::  
Jar Jar: ::pops up:: Hiya! Meesa have no one else to annoy. Jedi locked meesa in here  
Padme: .....go away...  
  
Naboo ship lands inconspicuously outside the city  
Qui-Gon: No one saw that, right?  
  
Qui-Gon: ::comes out in his poncho::  
Obi-Wan: ::sighs:: Master! Do I have to dress you *every* morning? I let you pick out your clothes for one day, and look what happens!  
Qui-Gon: What's wrong with this?  
Obi-Wan: Just go. Go! I don't want to see you in that anymore! Jesus! Did you even comb your hair this morning? Those pants don't even go with that poncho! And your hair tie doesn't go with your boots! Jesus. Out! GET OUT!!   
  
Jamaican pot bangers decorate the streets of Tatooine.  
  
Qui-Gon: ::to Padme:: Try to lose the Gungan...  
  
Watto: BOY! GET IN HERE!  
Anakin: STOP NAGGING ME, DAMNIT!   
  
Anakin: Are you an angel?  
Padme: What?  
Anakin: They're pretty and shit..  
Padme: What are you pulling out of your ass? You're a funny little boy! ::tickles him::  
Anakin: That wasn't the response I was going for!  
  
Qui-Gon: Credits will do fine ::wave::  
Watto: Hells no!  
Qui-Gon: ::glare:: THEY'RE FINE!  
Watto: NO THEY'RE NOT! FUCK OFF!  
Qui-Gon: ::flips off Watto and leaves, poncho billowing::  
  
Anakin: YIPPEE!  
Audience: We hate you...  
  
Meanwhile..  
  
Obi-Wan: Party!!  
  
::Handmaidens dance around clad in the bikinis that Leia wore in the last movie. Panaka sits behind a turntable with shades on, calling himself DJ P. The spare wine barrels are rolled out and the disco ball comes down. Everyone gets wasted. Obi, Panaka, and various handmaidens try on the Queen's clothes, Obi's communicator rings::  
  
Obi-Wan: Shut up everyone!! Sshh!! ::giggles and clears his throat:: Yes master?  
Qui-Gon: Do we have any money?  
Obi-Wan: Hold on! ::covers the communicator and laughs:: Um.. no, the Queen's wardrobe maybe...  
  
Padme: Can't we sell the Gungan?  
  
Obi-Wan: It's a sandstorm!  
Panaka-cam: Sandstorm? Fuck.   
  
Annie: ::saves Jar Jar from Sebulba::   
Audience: FUCK! WE HATE YOU JAKE LLOYD!   
  
Anakin: Mom! I brought home complete strangers!  
Shmi: Goddamnit! Not agai....::sees Qui-gon:: Hello!  
  
C-3PO: What do you mean you can see my...  
  
C-3PO: Damnit, I have no function in this movie. Comic relief has been taken! I'm still ridiculously foppish though  
  
::Everyone back at the place was partying::   
  
Sio: ::is a hologram, people are fucking dancing through him!:: WE'RE ALL SCREWED!  
Panaka: Hey! That's my line!   
  
Darth Maul: At last we will have revenge.....::hick accent:: Shit yo! We gon' kick some Jedi ass! I gotta go get my fiddle and we can go have us a lynchin!  
Darth Sidious: See you at the company picnic?  
Maul: Yep  
  
Anakin: You're a Jedi Knight, right?  
Qui: Well shit, what gave it away?  
Anakin: I thought that Jedi were supposed to be better dressed...  
Qui: Hey! Well....my padawan forgot to dress me this morning..   
  
Watto: I hope you didn't kill anyone I know  
Qui: Well...we buried your mother on the outskirts....you'll never find her.   
  
Annie: ::crosses his arms in a cliche manner::  
Audience: I hate you even more Jake Lloyd!  
  
Obi: ::is still partying like fuckin mad::  
Qui: Obi-wan?? Are you there??  
Obi: ::spills beer on communicator:: ...shit...  
  
Shmi: That man is daft! He's talking into a razor!   
  
::Shmi rapes us up the ass with sacreligious crap about an immaculate conception:: It's either the milkman.. or Watto  
::The audience feels pity for Jake Lloyd::   
  
An assful of annoying kids show up.. then leave.   
  
Jar Jar: ::sticks his hand in the pod::  
Qui-Gon: Start it up! The Gungan's hand is in there! We can get rid of him here and now!  
  
Anakin: It's working!  
Qui-Gon: It damn well better!!  
  
Anakin: What are you doing?  
Qui-Gon: Take the best orgasm you ever had...  
  
Qui-Gon: Obi-wan, I need a reading of this blood sample  
Obi: ::still partying:: SSHHHH! EVERYONE SHUT UP!! ::giggles:: Yes master..::sticks it in the...reader...:: ::covers the communicator:: Dude you guys, he has like 7 midichloriants!   
Qui: Doesn't he have alot?  
Obi: ::giggles madly, then calms himself:: Sure Master, more than Yoda...::covers it again and giggles::  
Qui: Are you drunk?  
Obi: Of course not, Master...::giggle::  
  
Padme: You've never won a race??  
Anakin: Well...  
Padme: Fuck!   
Panaka Cam: WE'RE SCREWED!!!  
  
Padme: You Jedi are far too reckless.   
Qui: Who died and made you queen? ::sticks out his tongue::  
Padme: Bastard....  
  
Pods: ::run over guys with flags::  
  
Anakin: ::stalls::   
Announcer: Little Skywalker's stalled! Lets all point and laugh at him!  
Crowd: ::points and laughs::  
  
Obi still parties, but now the authors have joined.  
Qui: ::beeps Obi:: Obi-wan! Turn on ESPN!!  
Obi: Ok...::turns on the big screen tv:: Shit everyone! Check this out! They're on TV!  
Qui: ::holding up a sign:: For a Good Time Call 456-5676  
  
Partying continues as the authors stop paying attention to the podrace that they've seen too many times before. The hard drugs are brought out and everyone is grooving to the funky tunes of DJ P  
  
Panaka Cam: THIS ISN'T A GOOD IDEA! WE'RE ALL FUCKED!  
  
The people who are paying attention to the TV are laughing at the pain of the buggers who crash.   
Obi-Wan: ::is banging handmaidens and smoking pot:: This is fucking great....  
  
Jar Jar: Did he crashed?  
Qui: ::wonders if he could push Jar Jar off the platform and make it look like an accident::  
  
Cameo Jawas: EEE! Damn..can't we have any fucking lines in this one??  
  
Sebulba: FUCK! CUNT! FUCKING CUNT! ::proceeds to curse his ass off::   
  
Anakin wins!   
Audience: ...wow....big shocker there  
  
  
  
*~Intermission~* ::elevator music plays::  
  
  
  
Obi: ::is drunk off his ass:: Hiya master.....  
Qui: Wasn't your braid on the other side?? Are you drunk?  
Obi: ....no....::giggle::  
  
Anakin: ::walks out with his Jansport backpack:: See ya mom! Have fun being a slave!  
  
Maul: ::is listening to Metallica on headphones inside his hood::   
  
Qui: Anakin! Drop!  
Anakin: Huh?  
  
Party has ended. Qui-gon's back  
  
Qui-Gon: Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-wan Kenobi  
Obi: Children? I hate children! I'd pay to have the little fuckers put down!  
  
Anakin: I'm very cold.   
Padme: Tough it out, kid. Here, play with this lighter.  
  
Anakin: I made it for you. I carved it out of the skull of a Tuskan Raider I killed.  
  
The annoying voice of Ric Olie who still plagues us: That's Coruscant. The entire planet is one big city....except for one large grassy meadow with wildlife and a lake.  
  
Lando Calrissian: ::goes out to meet the ship with his cape billowing in the wind::   
Palpatine: ::throws Lando off the landing pad::  
  
Amidala: Senator, are you aware that there is a fan on my head?   
  
Mace Windu: In many fanfics, I am stereotyped as a hardass muthafucka. In this one, I will show my caring, sensitive side.  
All: ::silence::  
Mace: Ah fuck it. ::puts on Shaft glasses:: What up muthafuckas!! Mace Windu in da house!! yo yo yo! ::Shaft music plays in the background::  
  
Yoda: Master Qui-gon, more to say have you?  
Obi: Goddamnit....  
  
Palpatine: ::drives his Senate-mobile around:: Whee...  
  
Trade Feds: We object! There is no proof!  
Amidala: Ima beat your ass if you don't shut the fuck up!  
Feds: Bite me!   
Amidala: ::crashes her Senate-mobile into the Feds':: FUCK OFF!  
::bumper car war breaks out::  
  
Palpatine: Now they will elect a strong chancellor, a chancellor who will TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ::clears his throat:: Uhh..I mean....vote for me!  
  
Obi-Wan: Don't defy the coucil, Master not again! Remember last time!? They suspended your salary for a year and we were forced to have night jobs at the city morgue!!  
  
Yoda: How feel you?  
Anakin: I feel...::breaks into song:: pretty. Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and gaaaaaaay!  
George Lucas: ::runs onto the set and beats Jake Lloyd with a script:: NO SINGING IN MY MOVIES, DAMNIT!  
Audience: ::still hates Jake Lloyd::  
  
Qui-Gon: He is to be trained then?  
Mace: Fuck no!  
Qui-Gon: What?? Want me to mess you up Shaft?  
Mace: What you got biotch??  
Yoda: No bitchfighting here will there be!  
  
Obi-Wan: The kid's dangerous!! I read the script for Episode IV!! The little bastard kills me!!  
Qui-Gon: There's nothing to be worried about.  
Obi-Wan: YOU LOVE HIM MORE THAN ME! ::pouts and stalks off::  
Anakin: Explain to me crap the audience couldn't care less about, Qui-gon  
Qui-Gon: ::does so::  
Smart members in audience: What??? This makes no sense!!  
Rest of audience: .......what the fuck?  
  
Palpatine...I mean Sidious: I'm sending over my apprentice Darth Maul.  
Evil slimey guy: Satan hee-ya?  
  
Panaka Cam: WE'RE SCREWED! WHEN WE GO BACK, THEY'LL RAPE US!!  
  
Obi-Wan: Master...  
Qui-Gon: Yes?  
Obi-Wan: ::grabs his knees and begins to sob:: I'M SORRY!!!!! ::sob:: I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE A WHINEY BRAT!!! ::weeps madly::  
Qui-Gon: Aww...well, you're wiser than me....  
Obi-Wan: ::stops sobbing:: Really?  
Qui-Gon: Yep! ::kisses him::  
  
Jar Jar: The city's deserted!  
Panaka Cam: THEY WERE WIPED OUT!! HOLY SHIT!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE! WHY CAN'T THEY SEE IT????? ::begins to sob::  
  
Padme: I'm Queen Amidala!  
Obi-Wan: Ha! You owe me 5 credits!!  
Qui-Gon: Damn!  
  
Padme: EVERYONE KNEEL FOR FUCK'S SAKE!  
  
Nass: Weesa be friends!  
Everyone: WOOHOO!  
Panaka Cam: GODDAMNIT!! WE'RE STILL GOING TO DIE! IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!   
  
Obi-Wan: ::smoking some weed while everyone's explaining the plan:: Dude...I have no idea whats going on right now..  
  
General: O.K... whatever God you believe in. You better start praying! ::raises the shield::  
  
Amidala: Wait a second! ::beeps her car alarm thingy::  
  
Authors: ::laugh at the pilot who can't even make it out of the fucking planet:: WE LAUGH AT YOUR PAIN!   
  
Qui-Gon: Stay in the cockpit!  
Anakin: But I wanna go with you! ::pouts::  
Obi-Wan: ::sticks out his toungue::  
  
Duel of the Fates starts... this movie now officially kicks ass!   
  
The Jedi and the Sith shed thier cloaks.   
  
Authors: WOOOHOO!! TAKE IT OFF!! YEAH!   
Sutashi: Yeah baby!  
Kachie: ::takes out her Sith penants and baseball caps:: Go Darth Maul!!   
  
A few unnecessary kickass flips later...  
  
Kachie: WOOHOO! GO DARTH MAUL!  
Sutashi: Obi's gunna kick his ass, I know.  
Kachie: Dammit.. Maul liked pink anyway.. and bunnies..he is a dead fish in bed too.. ack! I have said too much..  
Sutashi: Eww...?  
Kachue: It all happened a long time ago at the Sith Christmas party...   
  
Panaka Cam: I don't know why I'm here... George!! I don't understand? What is my motivation for this scene?   
Offstage Voice: You think that you're fucked...  
Panaka Cam: Ohh.. WE'RE ALL FUCKED!!!   
  
They break into Amidala's palace.  
Amidala: MY FUCKING 15000 CREDIT WINDOWS!!!   
  
Force field separates Maul and Qui-Gon.  
  
Authors: ::munch on popcorn::  
Kachie: 20 credits says Qui-Gon dies...  
Sutashi: I know he dies! ::tears up early::  
  
There is a Gungan Battle going on.  
There is a space battle going on.  
Whoopdeedo!   
  
All the people really care about is the lightsaber battle.. am I right people?  
  
Audience: ::ODing on the pretty lights::  
  
Padme and co. gets surrounded.   
  
Padme: Fuck.  
  
Anakin is stuck in the droid place, with no hope of escape.  
  
Anakin: Fuck.  
  
The Gungans are surrounded.  
  
Jar Jar: Fuck.  
  
Qui- Gon is killed:  
  
Obi: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!   
  
Kachie: Yes!! Thank you Force!! ::dances about::  
Sutashi: ::breaks out the tissues::  
  
ALL IS LOST MOMENT.  
  
Panaka Cam: I TOLD YOU! I FUCKIN' TOLD YOU ALL!! YOU DIDN'T LISTEN!   
  
The tides turn and Amidala has the upper hand.  
  
Amidala: Now Viceroy, I'm going to kick your ass! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! ::back to total calmness::  
  
Meanwhile, Obi is getting in touch with the dark side.  
  
Kachie: YES! YES!! THIS IS WHAT I WANT!! GIVE IN TO YOUR ANGER!!  
Sutashi: .......fuckin' psycho..  
  
Obi nearly falls down the shaft.   
  
Sutashi: FUCKIN' HOLD ON OBI!   
  
Anakin saves all the growed up people.  
Anakin: Yay?  
Pilots: ::rejoice in a victory that is not theirs::   
  
Audience: This is total bullshit! Pilots who trained for years to pilot that thing can't do it, but a nine year old boy can?  
  
Obi jumps up and slices Maul in half.  
  
Sutashi: YAY! HE SOUNDED SCOTTISH THERE!  
Kachie: He couldn't have done it without the dark side!  
  
Obi runs over to Qui-Gon.  
  
Qui-Gon: It's too late...   
Obi-Wan: ::sob:: Fuck no!  
Qui-Gon: You must train the boy..  
Obi-Wan: Stop talking about him...talk about me!  
Qui-Gon: I'm.. dying... ::reaches up and touches Obi's cheek::  
Obi-Wan: I love you. ::sniff::  
Qui-Gon: I love you too.. my young Padawan. ::dies::  
Obi-Wan: Noo!! ::kisses him and weeps pathetically::  
  
Kachie: ::reads a book:: Is it over yet?  
Sutashi: ::weeps as pathetically as Obi::  
  
Obi-Wan: ::kneels in front of Yoda:: Fine, I'll fuckin' train the kid...  
Yoda: I don't want you too..  
Obi-Wan: ...o.k..  
Yoda: But have a sequel we must.. so train him you will.  
Obi-Wan: FUCK!   
  
Funeral.. people are.. sad. Qui-Gon..burns.. and shit.  
  
Obi-Wan: All I have left are the memories.. and the video.. ::evil grin:: ::looks at the audience:: What are you giving me that look for? ::holds up the Episode 1 movie:: What did you guys think? Perverts!!  
  
BIG ASS CELEBRATION!!!!  
  
Gungans are dancing in the street.. and stuff.  
Amidala: ::chuckles to herself:: I kicked his ass...and now I look like a fricken bird!  
  
THE END!!   
  
Play ending music.   
  
Obi (offstage): Wait wait.. ::walks out into view:: I just noticed something... I didn't get an Obi cam! Panaka did! He's just a bit role.. I'm the fuckin' star!! I'm the sexpot of this movie! God dammit!! I wanted to sing too.. so.. I'm going to do it right now!! ::music to "I'm too sexy for my shirt" comes on:: I don't know the words but... ::starts stripping::  
Kachie: MY EYES! GOOD GOD!  
Sutashi: ::drools all over the place::  
  
George Lucas: ::runs out and starts smacking Obi with a plastic lightsaber:: GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE!! YOU AREN'T COMING OUT UNTIL THE NEXT MOVIE!  
  
Obi: ::cringes:: But that isn't until.. three years!!  
  
George: DON'T MAKE ME GET THE CATTLE PROD!!  
  
Obi: ::weeps:: Fine fine.. I'm going! ::flips off the camera and walks away::  
  
THE END!!! 


End file.
